


it all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down

by chattoyant



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - World War II, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Flashbacks, Grieving, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, One Shot, Sad Katsuki Yuuri, Sexual Content, Smut, Soldier Victor Nikiforov, Yuri Katsuki needs a hug, Yuri Plisetsky is a sweetie, multiple timeskips, somebody give yurio a medal, yurio is very supportive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 09:51:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11288805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chattoyant/pseuds/chattoyant
Summary: Winter had been nothing but bitterly cold ever since Viktor left Yuuri's side to serve his country as a soldier.Viktor did come home, although not in the way he expected him to.With the light of his life extinguished and his sparks of hope snuffed out into cinders, his whole world comes tumbling down right before his very eyes.Will he allow himself to be buried under the weight of his grief or will he slowly rise from the ashes and build himself back up again?





	it all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down

**Author's Note:**

> yes, the title is a neon genesis evangelion reference  
> (updated June 25th)

Long gone were the days spent idly cradling each other’s warmth selfishly latching each other’s onto the only reminder of love and a life worth living for day after grueling day, to be welcomed home by a pair of loving arms that screamed for him to stay by his side and never let go no matter what circumstances the world dares to throw their way.

            Gone were the days spent drowning into the deep blue of his eyes, deeper than any ocean and as unfathomable as the sky. No longer would he find himself neither running his fingertips against the velvet of his silky, pale skin nor feel the plush of his lips against his when they close the distance between their faces as their bodies pressed flush against each other as if melding passionately to desperately become one being altogether.

            No longer can he thread his fingers into that head of silver moonlight pooling atop the mattress all the while resting his face against the crook of his neck as he would rest his hand against his still-beating heart.

Until it ceased to.

            Winter with all its bone-piercing chill had already been cold enough in itself. Even more so with his lover no longer by his side to keep him warm even in the worst and the best of times. What used to be a warm heart in his chest was now nothing more but a cold, gaping hole void of any warmth or light, its cinders long since extinguished ever since the world took his entire world from him. The howling of the wind rattling against the frost-crusted windows was no longer howling, but instead, the lilting whispers of none other than his long-gone love whom he had lost during the vicious battle that was war.

 

* * *

 

            It was a day Yuuri dreaded the most. He cried a river’s worth of tears against his lover’s shoulder until his once-bright eyes were dark and red and puffy with weeping while his arms latched onto him as tightly as he ever could.

“I don’t want you to go,” he sobbed against the shoulder of Viktor’s uniform, staining a small portion of fabric a shade darker than the rest as bitter tears soaked through.

Long had Yuuri known that this time would always come, that Viktor would have to leave the warmth of their home and into the brutal, unforgiving cold that was that the battlefield. He had already known what his work entailed, that it involved putting a foot on the grave, with the other tethered precariously on life lest he slip and fall into the abyss which is death. Despite the time they spent together, never had Yuuri considered himself ready and strong enough to watch the only person who mattered to him as much as his own life walk out of their safe haven. Yuuri prayed to every deity that might be listening that he makes it back safely in one piece.

“Yuuri,” Viktor called out, his voice smooth and satiny yet laced with a tinge of sadness.

He pressed his hand ever so lovingly against his lover’s cheek, wiping away the tears that dare threatened to escape from the very eyes he could not help but be consumed by. Yuuri’s eyes was the earth crumbling beneath his feet, swallowing him, both mind and soul into the blissfully sweet abyss he never wanted to escape from.

“Know that whatever happens, I will always be thinking of you,” he heaved in a deep sigh and clutched his lover’s trembling hand to his chest.

“I promise that after all of this is over, we can move somewhere warm and start a new life like you wanted,” Viktor caressed his cheek gently with the pad of his fingertips, memorizing the feel of his skin as if it was the last thing he gets to touch.

Yuuri only leaned in to his touch and placed his hand over his before tracing the outline of his knuckles.

“Do you promise, Vitya?” Yuuri asked him tearfully, his chest heaving at the surge of emotions welling up inside of him.

“I promise,” Viktor pursed his impossibly rosy lips together as tears brimmed on his azure eyes and roll down the immaculately-sculpted curves of his cheeks.

            He curled the corners of his lips into a sad smile as he inched his face closer towards Yuuri’s, the hand which was cradling his cheek now on the back of his head as he carded through the thick tuft of his dark hair. He sealed the space between them as their lips collided with one another, their breaths escaping from their mouths as ragged gasps as the dark-haired man parted his lips invitingly for none other than his Viktor and let him suck onto the slick muscle that was his tongue. His lover explored every crevice, every nook and cranny of his mouth as they tilted their heads off to the side as both their hands were practically all over one another, touching and being touched as if it were their last time to lay hands on one another.

            Viktor, as much as he wanted to dote Yuuri in his touches and kisses, regrettably pulled away, his eyes more glazed with tears than when he began to initiate the gesture for him. Yuuri, too, was still sobbing visibly, his kiss-bitten lips trembling at the thought of never seeing Viktor again.

“Please make it home safe,” Yuuri pleaded as he wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand.

“For you, I promise that I will,” Viktor sniffled as he wiped at his own eyes before clasping onto the other’s hand to lace his fingers tightly with his.

            As much as he wanted to stay at home and be with Yuuri, he knew that he could not. He had to leave to contribute to his country’s war efforts lest they lose to the Axis despite housing a man from an enemy nation in his countryside home himself. Despite the fact that both of their countries were at war, it still did not change the fact that he loved Yuuri more than anything else. In fact, he never saw him as an enemy. Instead, he fell in love with the person he least expected and kept him in his company throughout his stay in his motherland. Viktor was not going to die and let all that he and Yuuri built up to go to waste. He wanted to have someone worth fighting for.

“What will I do while you’re gone, Vitya?” Yuuri asked him in between sobs.

“Don’t worry, you can stay at my father’s place for the time being. Yurio will be there to keep you company too,” he assured his weeping lover as he squeezed his hand firmly.

“Okay,” Yuuri replied as he brought his arm tightly around him once more to sink into his embrace and to remember that scent he always liked. “Please make it home, Vitya,” Yuuri smiled at him sadly as he extracted himself from the hug and clutched onto the golden locket hanging from his neck.

“I will.”

 

* * *

 

 

            Viktor did come home after the war like promised, although not in the state Yuuri had expected him to be. Much to his horror, his beloved Vitya came home sealed in a casket.

Was this some kind of cruel joke?

If it was, then it was not very funny. Yuuri tried to convince himself that the casket was probably delivered to the wrong address; but his convincing himself proved to be useless nevertheless when he ripped open the top wooden cover partially open, only to reveal the familiar head of silver hair matted and caked in blood. A visible bullet wound was on his cranium. That alone gave Yuuri his answer. He dared not remove the cover completely lest he see the terrible state of which Viktor’s body had been.

 

_Viktor, whom he had loved more than anyone else in his life._

_Viktor, whom he had spent countless nights by his side._

_Viktor, who promised that he would come home safely and sweep Yuuri off his feet off to a new life._

_Viktor, who would no longer remind Yuuri how much he loved him and greet him good morning with a kiss._

_Viktor, who was now no more._

 

            The day after the horrifying reunion, Yakov, Yuuri and Yurio carried the heavy wooden casket into the nearest cemetery in hopes of giving Viktor a proper burial. Their arms burned at the strain of carrying the sealed wooden box and yet nothing could compare to the heaviness in their hearts.

Yurio, who was often moody and throwing temper tantrums at his brother was in tears, knowing that he can neither tease and make fun of him light-heartedly nor ever spend time with the brother he looked up to his entire life ever again. Yakov, who was often stern and stone-faced, wept silently at the loss of his eldest son. The poor man had already lost a wife and a sister and now the world had been cruel enough to take his son away from him.

As for Yuuri, however, he was much too exhausted from crying his eyes out the other day that he could no longer manage to shed a tear. He neither felt sad nor angry anymore—he felt empty. Among all the other people Yuuri came across with in his entire life, no one brought as much color and meaning into his world than Viktor. The world is cruel at how it gives, only to take away when you least expect it to. Yuuri had been lonely before Viktor graced his life with his presence; now even more so that he is gone.

            They set the casket carefully on the ground as soon as they found a suitable burial site for him in the cemetery. Both Yuris picked up a heavy wrought-iron shovel leaning against the rusted gate and took to digging out the dirt from the damp, musty earth that will be soon to become Viktor’s final resting place. Yuuri’s muscles screamed with exertion and cramped painfully around his arms with each dip and rise of the shovel as the two young men took to digging out a trench on the earth.

            As soon as they were finished, Yuuri and Yurio climbed out of the grave they just dug out and, along with Yakov, helped lower the heavy casket into the grave before setting it down carefully. They filled the shallow ditch completely, burying the casket and the body within in feet or earth.

Viktor was laid to rest and joined those that came before him in a wakeless slumber.

 

_For you are dust and to dust you shall return._

 

Yakov nailed narrow pieces of wood together into a cross with an inscription bearing his son’s name and his year of birth and death silently before planting it into the ground.

 

_Viktor Yakovich Nikiforov_

_1918-1945_

 

The old man knelt before his son’s grave and gestured both Yuuri and Yurio to kneel beside him and put their hands together in prayer.

Yuuri brought his hands together and bowed his head down in silent prayer and cursed at the god who brought his Vitya into his life only to take him away from him too soon.

 Everything had been taken away from him.

 

            It had been seven months ever since Viktor’s passing and yet the memory of his blood-matted silver locks and the horror on his own face upon seeing his whole world dead and unmoving was still burnt fresh into his mind—like a wound that never quite managed to heal and close up. Phantom aches wracked his back and arms, harkening back to the very day they laid poor Vitya to rest. Yurio and Yakov managed to cope up with his death surprisingly well and in just within a matter of weeks, they were up and about in their daily routine. Viktor or no Viktor, life must still go on regardless.

            However, Yuuri was not fortunate enough to be blessed with the strength to get over the very event that shook his entire world into oblivion, knowing that he will never see the person who he poured his entire heart and soul into was much too painful for him to possibly bear. In the months following Viktor’s death, Yuuri has only gotten progressively worse in terms of mind, body and soul. Yurio would often be found consoling Yuuri whenever he’d see him break down sobbing or have a panic attack. Yuuri knew that Yurio was trying his best to get him back on his feet and yet he never quite reciprocated his efforts as he was far too consumed in his state of deep depression. He knew that nothing the boy would say would bring Viktor back to him. By the time it got to Yurio that nothing he could possibly say will ever bring comfort to his friend, he simply brought him into a silent embrace and let him cry and vent out as much as he could before getting exhausted and dozing off against the blond boy’s shoulder with streaks of tears staining his cheeks. If nothing he said ever snapped him out of it, the least he could do was to listen to him and to give him a shoulder to cry on to.

Yuuri had gotten much thinner.

            The pudge and curves on his body that Viktor loved so much were nothing more than sharp edges jutting out in angles against his skin. His eyes were sunken from lack of sleep and so were his cheeks, his once-bright complexion now dull, outlining the bony framework of his body. His health deteriorated as the days passed. He ate little to nothing at all.

What use was trying to keep himself healthy when Viktor was no longer there?

Yurio and Yakov made meals for him everyday and convinced him to eat at least a single meal and yet he would not budge. He locked himself up in his room for days on end, drowning himself in his own little world as he looked back on the days he spent with Viktor— _his sweet, precious Viktor_.

 

* * *

 

 

            Yuuri knew that the law still had a long way to go before he and Viktor would be seen by others not as some bizarre oddity seen on the streets of Stalingrad but as normal as the usual couple bound together by love and trust. The both of them knew well enough that the law would not change within their lifetime. With that in mind, their meetings were often done in secret, away from the prying eyes of everyone else who thought them immoral and disgusting. They often met in the cover of night in dark, dank alleyways and in lonely deserted parks that barely anyone went to anymore, taking comfort in the darkness hiding them from everyone else. Oftentimes they would spend the night in cheap hotel rooms away from the hustle and bustle of the city center under the guise of two friends having a reunion to avoid the odd glares the hotel receptionist would give them in suspicion.

“Do you think the receptionist bought our excuse?” Yuuri chuckled against his lover’s collarbone as he laid sprawled beneath the covers and wrapped around his arms.

“I don’t think he did and I don’t think he cared either,” Viktor let out a small, hearty laugh as he held the Japanese man closer to himself and pressed a gentle kiss on the corner of his lips. The gesture made Yuuri flush a lively shade of pink and teasingly swat his face away as the other leaned in for more.

“Vitya, we’re not just going to lie around here, are we?” Yuuri asked as he raised an eyebrow, the tone in his voice laced with something much more, feigning innocence as he looked at him with his bright doe eyes.

Viktor only smirked in response as he understood the hidden meaning beneath his question and found himself sitting up on the mattress as he hovered over his lover.

“Why, Yuuri, you didn’t think we rented a room for nothing did you?”

He snickered in that low, satiny tone that made Yuuri weak to his knees and sent blood flowing to parts he dare not admit as he snuck his hand underneath his button-up shirt and roamed against the bare skin underneath, relishing in the warmth beneath his fingertips, to which Yuuri moaned his name softly in response.

“V-Viktor, please…” his lips parted slightly to mewl as he felt a thumb and an index finger pinch at a bud, rubbing on it until it was pert and erect. His nipple wasn’t the only thing that was erect, however, as the crotch of his pants were painfully tight and tented up, as if his erection was screaming to break free from its fabric confines.

“Oh, Yuuri…” Viktor cooed upon seeing the reaction on his partner’s body at such a simple act of arousal. He slipped his hand out of his shirt and then gripped firmly onto his shoulders as he ground his own rock-hard bulge lewdly against the other man’s, moans escaping from their mouths as their bodies were wracked with the temptation to peel each other’s clothes off and relish in the sensation both their bodies had to offer.

The grinding was driving Yuuri insane. He wanted nothing more than to get his pants off and spread his legs wide open to get it over with and yet Vitya simply enjoyed teasing Yuuri, watching his face contort with desire and all of his pent-up sexual frustrations.

“Just fuck me already, Vitya…” Yuuri huffed impatiently as he dug his nails against the taller man’s shoulder. He wouldn’t let Vitya get away now that he just made him desperately aroused. His breaths came in short and ragged as he looked at him with lusty, half-lidded eyes, practically begging for him to take him on the bed completely.

“But of course, _lyubov moya,_ ” Viktor responded with a smirk as he kneaded his fingers against the thick flesh of the raven-haired man’s inner thigh before sitting up on his knees and fumbled with the pocket of his trousers and produced a bottle of lube on his hand.

“Do you know just how hard it is to find these, Yuuri?” Viktor chuckled as he set the plastic bottle on the bed and undid the fly on his lover’s trousers, sliding them off along with his underwear off his legs with ease, revealing the vast expanse of his smooth, long legs. If he were to choose the way he were to die, he would happily want to end his life having his head crushed between those thick, delicately-molded thighs.

"It is really hard to find a place that sells these, you know?"

Viktor ran his eager hands from his knees and up to his inner thighs, prompting him to part his legs open, to which Yuuri obliged, willingly showing off his assets to no one but Viktor. The silver-haired man picked up the bottle and uncapped it to pour a generous amount of lubricant on his fingers, rubbing them together to warm it up before pressing his slick, wet fingertips against his needy hole, running them against his rim teasingly in circles.

“Oh, Vitya that feels so good…” Yuuri let out a soft moan at the subtle sensation and then found himself gasping as soon as he felt his fingers penetrate their way inside his tight, hot walls, prompting him to tighten and clench around his digits as soon as they prodded their way inside him. “P-Please…” he huffed softly as he felt him slide his fingers deeper into him.  
“Touch me more…”

Viktor replied with the delicious pump of his fingers inside his velvet walls, scissoring him carefully yet precisely as the tip of his digits kneaded against his sensitive sweet spot, ramming into it as much as he could, earning a series of satisfied moans from his partner as he only sped his pace up slowly, his fingers making a lewd slick sound every second he drew them out and then back in again. Yuuri’s knees were weak and his legs trembled as an electric sensation ran down his spine and down to the juiciest bits of his body, his back arched back in a delicate curve and his mouth agape in satisfaction.  

“V-Vitya…” he moaned as he felt his own cock leak with precome, a string of white dripping from his shaft and down to his inner thighs. His body shuddered as he balled up the sheets in his fist, the sensation inside him building into a climax until he came apart completely, his release coating his own abdomen in thick, hot threads of come. Viktor drew his fingers out of him with a soft pop and marveled at just how disheveled Yuuri looked with just his fingers. If he looked this wrecked with being fucked by just his fingers, then how much more will he be with something much thicker inside him?  
  
“Yuuri, are you alright?” Viktor made sure to ask first before continuing even further. He wanted Yuuri to be comfortable before doing anything else, after all. He wouldn’t do anything that Yuuri didn’t want him to do.

Yuuri simply nodded in response before holding his thighs out wide open to accentuate his gaping entrance, practically inviting him to enter.

Earning his consent, Viktor unzipped his trousers and pulled his underwear down to reveal his tall, aching-hard erection before slipping the articles of clothing off his legs and tossing them onto the floor to join the pile Yuuri’s had made.

            Viktor grabbed onto his thick, meaty thighs firmly and lifted them up to wrap them around his waist as he hovered himself over him, the hard tip of his member pressing against his needy entrance. He leaned himself forward to press his lips hungrily against Yuuri’s in a wet, sloppy kiss, their slippery tongues dancing and tangling slickly against one another as he brought his hands up to cradle his cheeks lovingly whereas Yuuri gripped onto his light locks tightly. Viktor slid into him and found each other moaning against into the other’s mouths before briefly pulling out.

            Viktor grunted softly as moved his cock inside him inch by inch in a slow, gentle manner, careful not to hurt his Yuuri. He would, however, with no hesitation, go rough in an instant when told to.  Once he found his cock buried completely between the round globes of his ass, he proceeded to thrust inside him gently,  his hips rocking back and forth against his, relishing the sensation of his cock enveloped snugly in his heat. He threw his head backwards as he kept on thrusting into him and angled his member down, letting out a series of moans as his hard, aching tip pummeled repeatedly against his sensitive bunch of nerves, making Yuuri see stars in his own head.

“Yesyesyesyes faster--” Yuuri exclaimed in as he felt himself tighten around his cock, squeezing on his length firmly as he bucked his hips up to meet his thrusts. Viktor quickened up his pace as requested, his cock dragging pleasurably past his tight ring of muscle and then back in again in a repeated manner, causing his lover underneath to squirm and moan beneath him as he dug his nails tightly against his clothed shoulders. “Kiss me, Vitya…” Yuuri said breathily in between moans as the bed frame creaked underneath their weight.

            The Russian man leaned down to press his lips against his jawline, leaving small bites and kisses as he made his way down to the smooth pillar that was his neck, decorating his skin with dark red marks that were sure to last for days before running a lick on each one of them as he gasped and moaned against the crook of his neck, filling their dark, bare hotel room with their moans as they made love to each other, lost in the throes of each other’s heat and passion. “Oh, Yuuri, I love you so much…” he whispered softly into his ear as his eyes were half-lidded and glazed over from the heat of the moment. “I don’t want to do this with anyone else but you…”

“M-Me too, Vitya…” Yuuri replied, his voice strained and shaky as they met each other’s thrusts. “I love you too…more than anyone…” He added softly as he felt the familiar sensation pool against his abdomen.

            Viktor explored the curves of Yuuri’s body with his hands, lovingly caressing all of his perfect imperfections as he mouthed just how beautiful he found every inch of him against his neck. He never grew tired of reminding just how breathtaking he found Yuuri and found that all of his stretch marks and his pudge made him all the more beautiful to him.

“Yuuri, you’re so beautiful…” He pressed his lips lovingly against his for a short, yet sweet kiss, the taste of the other’s mouth lingering against his tongue like sugar.

Never has Yuuri felt so loved, never has any one loved him the way Vitya did, the way he found all his insecurities beautiful and never has he felt so secure with anyone else in his entire life. This was what Yuuri had been looking for his entire life—someone to love him the way he never thought was possible before. Viktor always surprised him the moment he came into his life and turned his entire world upside-down. Never has he wanted to hold on to someone as much as he wanted to hold on to Viktor and never let him go. Yuuri was forever grateful for being blessed with someone as wonderful as Viktor Nikiforov.

“Viktor—“Yuuri’s drooling mouth whimpered as he sensed that as he climaxed, slowly nearing his orgasm as his breathing became shallower as his eyes rolled back and glistened with tears.

“Yuuri, I’m so near…” Viktor moaned as he, too, was at the precipice of satisfaction, his release threatening to flood his insides at any given moment as he felt his knees turn to jelly.

“Yuuri--!” he moaned his lover’s name out as he came inside his walls, coating every inch inside him in his seed, to which the other man followed suit.  
His lover shivered at the sensation of his ass all filled up the brim with his froth, the liquid dripping naughtily out of his raw hole as soon as the Russian man pulled his cock out of him and collapsed beside him in a sweaty heap on the bed and wrapped himself around him tightly, snuggling gently against the crook of his neck.

“You were amazing, Yuuri,” he whispered softly with a contented smile on his face.

“No, _you’re_ amazing,” Yuuri giggled softly in response as he reached out to brush the silver fringe plastered to his forehead to get it out of the way of his eyes before tucking it behind his ear. He laid his eyes on his lover and found that even with his hair askew and his body glistening with sweat, he was still very handsome—unfairly handsome, that is. Hell, Viktor could wear a potato sack and still look good in it.

“Yuuri, is something the matter?” Viktor asked him, concerned at his sudden silence.

“O-Oh, it’s just that...” Yuuri trailed off mid-sentence and looked away briefly before gazing into those blue pools of his. “Y-You’re so perfect and I’m—“

“Imperfect?”

Yuuri nodded.

“Oh, _solnishko_ , if only you just see what I see in you,” Viktor remarked with a playful kiss on the tip of his nose as his fingers ran against the outline of his spine. “I love everything there is to you,” he finished with a sweet smile gracing his lips. “I will never get tired of telling you just how beautiful you are unless you convince yourself that you are.”

Yuuri simply buried his face against his chest to hide the flush on his face, breathing in the pleasant musk of the taller man’s scent.

“Your flaws just serve to make you perfect in my eyes,” he added as he carded his hair through his ebony locks. “And it just makes me love you even more.” He pressed a gentle kiss against his hairline. Yuuri wanted to cry at just how much he was so loved that he wanted to melt right there in his arms.

“I want to love you more and more until you love everything about yourself.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri mumbled into his chest before looking up towards him with his tear-brimmed eyes. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

“You coming into my life was the best thing that ever happened to me, Yuuri. You don’t know just how lonely I was before you crossed my path” he cupped his cheeks gently and pressed a loving kiss on his lips. “I don’t want you to ever doubt yourself again.”

Yuuri simply nodded tearfully and kissed the man back with all the love and warmth he could muster.

“I love you so much, Viktor Nikiforov,” Yuuri smiled at him brightly as soon as he pulled away from the kiss. “Please stay by my side and never leave.”

“Always,” Viktor took his hand a pressed a delicate kiss to his knuckles.

“Yuuri,” Viktor began as he ran his thumb against the spot on his knuckle he left a kiss on. “Do you want to live with me?”

And so both lovers lived together in a cottage in the countryside, content with spending time wrapped up in each other’s arms and bathed in each other’s warmth.

Everything was as it should be.

Anywhere the man his heart belonged to was, was his home.

 

* * *

 

           Yuuri felt as though that what he and Viktor built up in their relationship was all for naught. It took him twenty-three years of his life to come across Viktor Nikiforov and yet it took only a single moment for him to be taken away from him just like that. He had lost everything. The world was a cruel mistress at that.

What is given will always be taken away and what begins will always come to an end.

What is built up will always crumble and return to nothing.

 

_It all returns to nothing_

_It all comes tumbling down,_

_Tumbling down_

_Tumbling down_

 

            As the days went by, the more Yuuri shut the others and the world out, leaving him to himself and his own thoughts as he would absently run his thumb against the sepia-toned photograph of Viktor in his locket. Viktor had given it to him on their first anniversary together and ever since then, Yuuri hardly took the necklace off, keeping it on himself for most of the time.

“I wish you were still here with me…” Yuuri mumbled to himself as a lone tear fell from his eye and splashed against the golden locket hanging from his neck.

“It’s so lonely without you, Vitya,” he sniffled as he felt the beginnings of a sob form at the back of his throat. He wept silently, mourning the loss of the man he called home.

What use was living with him no longer by his side?

            Now it had almost been a year since Viktor passed away. Yuuri has never been worse. He was unresponsive to both Yakov and Yurio’s approaches and would turn them away whenever they wanted to talk to him. They worried that he might get to the point of ridding himself off once and for all. The thought of losing someone else angered yet worried Yurio at the same time. He had grown fond of Yuuri. He took care of him despite how difficult he could usually be, making the simplest of tasks such as getting him to eat or bathe a feat in itself and yet he never threw harsh words his way nor did he chastise him for it. He understood his situation enough to be patient with him. He wanted nothing more than to see his friend rise up on his own feet again. He knew that he would never see Yuuri go back to the person he once was and he accepted that fact.

He just wanted to see him happy.

“You know, Katsuki, Viktor didn’t fight just to see you like this,” Yurio blurted out one day as he set a tray of Yuuri’s breakfast on the nightstand.

Among all the things the blond teenager had told him, the particular statement caught his attention the most and broke him away from his silent, idle trance.

Yuuri turned around to meet the boy’s emerald gaze.  
“Huh?”

“How do you think Viktor would react if he sees you like this?” The boy’s voice broke and crack at the end of the sentence, his lower lip quivering and his green orbs glistening with tears.

“Just look at you, Katsuki!” The younger boy’s voice boomed. “You’re slowly killing yourself!” Yurio felt both frustration and pity towards the older man. It hurt his heart to look at just how miserable he looked.

“We try so hard to take care of you and yet you barely even eat or tell us what’s wrong!” The teenager exclaimed, tears streaming from his eyes and down his cheeks.

“You’re not the only one who feels like this and we just want to help you!”

Yuuri felt like he was dead weight to be lugged around. He felt ashamed for barely even reciprocating the care both Yurio and Yakov provided for him. He felt ashamed at how they had no other choice but to deal with him.

“I’m sorry for being such a burden to you—“

“Shut up, Katsuki!” Yurio cut him off loudly as he clenched both fists at his side as an act of restraint. He wanted so badly to beat some sense into him but he knew he just could not do such a thing.

“Just how fucking selfish can you get?!”

Yuuri jumped at the statement.

“You keep locking yourself up to mope around but have you ever considered about what we feel?”

Yurio’s face was now red and wet with tears as he tried to talk some sense into his friend.

His friend, who confined himself into his own little world to wallow in his own self-pity without so much as sparing a glance to those that were still around and still cared for him in every way they could.

Yuuri _was_ selfish.

Yurio breathed in a deep sigh to calm himself down and then resumed talking in a much softer tone.

“Katsuki, I have already lost my brother,” he continued, his chest rising and falling slowly as he tried to regain his composure. “I don’t want to lose someone I care about ever again.”

“Yurio…” Yuuri straightened himself up on his bed and got off the mattress to make his way slowly to the young boy before wrapping his arms tightly around him.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…” he sobbed softly as he clutched onto the back of his shirt. “I’m so sorry i-if I was so selfish…that I never thought about anyone else other than myself,” he tearily mouthed against the teenager’s golden locks, wetting it with his tears.

“You better be, you pig,” Yurio hugged him back tightly, glad that he finally managed to snap him back into sense. “If you ever die on me, I’m going to kill you, Katsuki,” he laugh-cried into his shoulder as they held each other in a firm embrace.

“But Yurio, you can’t kill someone who’s already dead,” he replied, laughing yet crying at the same time. Of all things that Yuuri gained back as soon as he snapped out of it, it was his sense of humor that came first.

It’s as though things may not be as bleak as previously thought. 

“Shut up, Katsuki.”

Later that night, Yurio insisted that he sleep in the same room as Yuuri to keep an eye on him lest he do something stupid to himself.

 

 

   The week after that, Yuuri found himself joining Yakov and Yurio at the breakfast table much to their pleasant surprise. He sat between them in what seemed like the first time in ages. For the past few months, Yuuri had been cooped up in his own room and neither bothered to eat nor bathe frequently. Seeing Yuuri join them for their morning meal was certainly a fresh sight, one that they have waited to see for quite some time.

“We are glad to know that you are feeling better, Katsuki. It’s good to have you back with us,” the usually stoic-faced old man remarked with a subtle smile on his aged faced that served to further accentuate the deep grooves and wrinkles on his skin.

By all means, Yuuri was not feeling great. He did feel a little better, however, since Yurio talked—more like yelled some sense into the man.

He did not feel great but he did feel better.

It was a great start.

The teenager was patient with his friend. He neither rushed him but instead, he encouraged him to proceed at his own pace step by step until he felt progressively better until such time he had the ability to stand on his own two feet back again. The boy only grew all the wiser and more mature as he knew that his friend depended on him.

For a child such as himself, Yurio does know how to choose his own words and to provide guidance when need be. Probably due to having such a childish older brother. The man was practically a toddler in an adult’s body.

“Yuri really cares about you more than he wants to show,” Yakov added, only to earn a flushed scowl from his youngest son.

“Shut up, I was only doing it because I got pissed at how he wastes the food I make for him,” the teen retaliated with a blush dusted across his face as he took to stuffing his cheeks with his breakfast.

Yuuri simply laughed softly for the first time in months. It looks like things weren’t so bad after all.

He was wrong to think that everything had been taken away from him when there were still people who genuinely cared for his well-being and wanted nothing more than to see him be well again.  

* * *

 

 

            Although Yuuri had been much better since then, it did not mean the end of his grief. There were still times wherein he would find himself crying to sleep, wanting nothing more than to be held in Vitya’s arms and be lulled into a deep, restful slumber, only to find himself being lulled to sleep with his own tears.

Yuuri had began to accept the fact that even if he were to shed an ocean’s worth of tears, nothing would change the fact that what has been taken away will never be returned.

He knew that if Viktor could look down from where he was, he would never want to the light of his life flicker and dime down once again just as his fire had been reignited.

Yuuri was going to get over his grief one step at a time.

He was doing it neither for Viktor nor Yurio and Yakov.  
He was doing it for himself.

            As the days went by, Yuuri had only gotten better with the support of his newfound family. He finally started eating right for once and slowly restored his strength until he was strong enough to help out in tending to the family’s small farm as his show of appreciation for everything they had done for him.

“Hey Katsuki, are you sure you want to come along?” Yurio asked the older man as he adjusted the hood on his head and wrapped the woolen scarf along his neck to keep the biting cold off of his skin.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Yuuri nodded as he stepped out of the threshold of the house. “I wouldn’t want to miss greeting him a happy birthday after all,” he added with a faint smile on his lips as he shut the door behind him.

Viktor would have turned twenty-eight that day had he not perished in the war. It was going to be their first time celebrating a birthday with the celebrant himself clearly absent.

Yuuri remembered that they would often celebrate Viktor’s birthday in his family’s home with nothing more than a simple feast and some festive merriment.

The thought of never having to celebrate anything with Viktor ever again made his heart sink with sadness.

The group of three made their way through the snow and into the place where those had already passed away had gone to rest.

As soon as he stepped through the cemetery gates, his lungs were filled with the familiar sense melancholy. Hot tears welled from his eyes and cascaded down like a river on his red, wind-kissed cheeks. In the distance, he could spot Viktor’s grave marked with the same old wooden cross, its arms draped in the stark whiteness of the snow.

Yuuri wiped his tears away with his sleeve as memories of the day they laid him to rest flooded his mind. He felt an arm around his shoulders and turned around to see Yurio eyeing at him with a hint of concern.

“You’ll be alright,” he assured the older man with a gentle pat on the back as he smiled at him warmly. “You wanted to come along so you could greet him a happy birthday, didn’t you?”

Yuuri nodded as he cradled the bouquet of white lilies in his arms gently to shield them against the bitter winter breeze and smiled back at the blond boy.

The boy drew his arms away from his friend and then walked ahead of him along with his father before stopping on his tracks to kneel before his brother’s grave.

Yuuri caught up to them and knelt down along with both father and son on the frozen ground to place the beautiful collection of lilies against the wooden cross marker.

“Happy birthday, Vitya,” he greeted with the purse of his lips as he ran his cool fingers against the cross’s snow-topped arms. “I missed you so much,” he swallowed back what seemed like the beginnings of a sob form at the back of his throat.

“I’m sorry if you had to see me be such a total wreck,” he mouthed softly against his own palm as he felt his watery red eyes well up with salty rain.

Yurio wrapped an arm around him once again in a one-armed hug, his smaller form pressing against the other as he rubbed soothing circles gently against the small of his back while the Japanese man leaned against the younger boy’s limber frame.

“I never thought that I would ever be okay again, Vitya,” Yuuri continued as his tears watered the ground.

“But I was wrong,” he turned towards Yurio with a tearful smile.

The boy simply blushed in return.

“Yurio and Yakov even made me meals everyday despite the fact that I hardly ever ate. They never gave up despite how stubborn I was,” he laugh-cried with a soft sniffle against the teenager’s shoulder.

“That’s right,” Yurio added with tears brimming the corners of his olivine eyes. “God, if you only saw how much of a chore it was to even get him to eat a single bite or bathe.”

“I even had to force myself to sleep in the same room as him just in case he did something stupid.”

“But Yurio, you were the one who insisted upon it, remember?” Yuuri replied with a small laugh escaping his chapped, frozen lips.

“Shut up, he doesn’t need to know that,” he elbowed his side playfully as he rubbed the tears away from his own face.

“I bet he’s laughing wherever he may be right now,” the raven-haired man blurted out as he laughed and cried at the same time.

Yakov let out a rare laugh at the racket the two were making, sending both their heads darting towards the elderly man’s direction. It was a rare sight for the old man to be other than stoic yet alone seeing him laugh.

“Oh, Vitya, if you could only see just how much these two are getting along,” he remarked with a trace of laughter still in his voice as he placed both hands on Yuuri’s and Yurio’s head, mussing up their hair much to his young son’s discontent.

“Stop messing with my hair, old man!” Yurio exclaimed in mild annoyance as he got his father’s hand off his head before brushing the loose strands of hair back into place.

“Everyone missed you so much, Vitya,” the old man resumed as a lone tear fell from his deeply-set eyes. “You stupid son, just leaving us like that.” He cried quietly against his sleeve before clearing his eyes from the mist of tears.

“I hope that you are at peace wherever you may be, my son,” he finished with a subtle curve on his lips as he patted the cold ground beneath his feet.

“I bet God’s having trouble dealing with his childish ass,” Yurio commented with a snort.

“Even so, he’s much too charming to even get kicked out of heaven,” Yuuri remarked as his cheeks began to burn with laughter.

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore, Vitya,” he smiled as he wrapped an arm around both Yakov and Yurio.

“I have all the help that I need.”

 

_Whatever went tumbling down within himself slowly rebuilt itself from the ashes brick by brick._

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri stared at the brown envelope he had just received from the post man. On its back, it read:

_Viktor Yakovich Nikiforov_

_September 9 th, 1944_

_Warsaw, Poland_

 

  1. A year before the sender himself passed away.



Somehow, the post managed to reach him just now.

Yuuri heaved in a deep breath as he braced himself to glimpse upon the contents of the brown manila envelope as the dam that were his eyelids held back the oncoming surge of tears.

Within was a yellowed photograph of a smiling Viktor in uniform.

Folded alongside the photo within was a letter.

The ink on the paper was blotted with what seemed like tears, its imprints leaving irregular watermarks on the missive.

 

 

_My dearest Yuuri,_

_I miss you terribly. I hope that you are doing well. I am sorry if I have not written to you in a long while as every single day out here is unpredictable. The second you fall into a false sense of security, the worst happens. Enemy troops raid the camps and lessen our numbers. I do not know if I will ever make it out of the war alive or if this letter will even reach you. I just want you to know that never for a second have you left my mind and I would want nothing more in the world than to see you once again. Every night I lay awake, terrified of whatever is to come next. However, the moment I think of you, all of my fears dispel even if only for a little while. I drew my determination to go through every single day at the thought of seeing your smile once again. If in case I do not make it back safely to you, I want you to know that I died loving you, that my last thoughts were of you. Most of all, I want you to always stay strong no matter what happens. You are much more capable of everything that you hold yourself credit for. I want you to live and be happy. May the light that burns in you never falter and extinguish. That is all I want and ask for you._

_I love you more than anything else in the world and I hope that you will always keep me in your heart and mind as I have you. May God bless you and keep you safe, my Yuuri._

_Until we see each other again_

_Forever yours,_

_Vitya_

**Author's Note:**

> lyubov moya- my love  
> solnishko- sunshine
> 
>  
> 
> Hello! :D  
> My name is chattoyant and this is my first fic on AO3 so please excuse me if the smut wasnt exactly to your liking.  
> I wrote this fanfic for the two days I haven't had internet connection as a way to be productive for once as I haven't exactly drawn or wrote anything for a while now.  
> It was much shorter than I wanted it to be so I'll definitely try to post a longer fic next time. Or even make a series!  
> That is, if I'm not lazy enough.  
> Anyway, please tell me what you thought about the fic in the comments below! :D  
> A kudos and a comment is most appreciated!


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